Grief and loss have always been, and always will be, gruelling emotional experiences, but the recent rise of technology has introduced another facet for bereaved people and their loved ones to deal with. Social media, and Facebook in particular, has both solved and created some problems for bereaved people and their supporters, as online communication can become confusing. In this blog, we are going to look at how to deal with grief stories on Facebook, both as a bereaved person and as an onlooker.

Tips for Onlookers and Supporters

There are a number of tips we can give to onlookers and supporters to help guide their online actions after someone they know has passed. Below, we have listed a few core ideas to keep in mind when considering a comment on a memorial post…

1: Always Follow the Family’s Lead

The most important thing you can do as a friend or supporter is to follow the family’s lead when it comes to posting announcements, updates, memories, or memorial messages. The deceased’s family will make a public post when they are ready – until then, withhold your online messages and allow them to be the first to announce the passing.

2: Keep Questions Offline

Truthfully, nothing is more distasteful and impersonal than asking questions about a person’s passing on social media. The majority of onlookers will be asking the exact same questions, thus tiring out and traumatising the bereaved family.

If you are close enough to the family that you would have dinner with them in their home, then you can consider asking questions in person or over a phone call, and perhaps from a cousin or brother-in-law rather than the deceased’s mother or sister.

If you are not close enough to the family to have had dinner in their home, rather be decent and polite and not ask questions, as it is not your place.

3: Avoid Cliché Sayings About Death and Grief

There are several overdone messages that are often quoted and posted regarding death, grief and loss. These overwrought statements might be intended well, but end up reading impersonal, not thoughtful nor meaningful. If you find yourself wanting to say, “They are in a better place” or “This too shall pass”, consider taking a walk outside and evaluating if you truly care for the bereaved person, and if you are actually committed to supporting them.

The best advice we can give is to share meaningful thoughts, and give tangible examples about how you can support the grieving person. In a private message or call, offer to make them dinner every Thursday, tell them you will help them with grocery shopping (then do it), offer to go for a walk with them, arrive at their house and help tidy up. These tangible signs of support go much further than cliché sayings.

Tips for Bereaved People

For those who have lost a loved one, social media becomes a bit of a triggering minefield, from photos and memories popping up unexpectedly, to repetitive and seemingly meaningless messages from friends and acquaintances, and so on. Below are a few guidelines to help you navigate this experience…

The Pros and Cons of the Active Facebook Page

When a loved one passes away, there is always a struggle over what should be done with the deceased’s Facebook profile. For some, leaving it up and active is ideal, whilst for others, they would prefer to have it removed for the sake of respect. It all depends on your personal, unique outlook.

The benefit of keeping the Facebook of a deceased person active is that it can become an online space for memories and special messages, where their loved ones can remember them peacefully.

The downside of an active profile is that some people are just nasty, and always will be. Some friends and acquaintances may post an insane number of messages, inappropriate messages, and so forth. Excessive dramatics are also best avoided for the family of the deceased.

A good feature that Facebook offers is the ability to memorialise a person’s profile, which adds “Remembering” to their profile name. A friend or family member can be assigned to the account for the purpose of managing posts and what not, as well. Alternatively, you can request for the profile to be deleted if you prefer.

If You Are Grieving, Ask for What You Want

It is challenging when you are grieving a loss, as you will feel somewhat disconnected from your own needs, yet be surrounded by people who are willing to help and support you. When you can make some time, try to work out what kinds of messages and actions would support you best, and let your online network know.

Your supporters want to hear what you need, so that they can feel confident that they are being helpful and not seemingly insensitive. Try to be direct with your communication: if you want to hear about the person who passed, and enjoy their memories with other friends, then say so; if you don’t want to be contacted by anyone other than family for a while, then say so.

Additionally, when your support network offers help, try to take them up on it to alleviate some of the pressure on your shoulders. Tangible offers are always great as they make a physical difference in your life. Let your aunty make you dinner if she offers, let your best friend help you do some laundry and dishes if they offer, let your colleague buy you a cup of coffee and go for a walk.

Remember that you can post general requests in public, such as, “I need a bit of help from someone who lives near to me”. This kind of message is open ended so does not put any pressure on your supporters. Those who offer to help really mean it.

Online Grief Support Groups

Sometimes, it can be beneficial to share your experience and emotions with others who have loved and lost. Online grief support groups can be a great way to release some energy and share thoughts with others who understand your process.

There are a number of online support groups you can join. Take a look at some of the below:

You should browse our blog for more interesting and helpful articles for bereaved people and their supporters, as we explore grief, loss and gratitude with sensitivity and positivity intention.