When someone we love and care about is struck with the iron fist of grief, it can be very difficult to know what the ‘right’ thing to do is to support them. We may have some preconceived notions about grief and support, but often these cliches are more harm than they are good.
Below, we have put together everything you wish someone told you about how to simply and meaningfully support a grieving loved one after a tragic loss.
1. Understand That Grief is an Individual Process
Whilst grief generally follows a more or less defined process, you can never know for sure where exactly someone is, how long they will feel that way, or if they will go back and forth between stages of healing.
It is most important to understand that everyone grieves in their own way, and at their own pace. When it comes to grief and loss, the word “should” is considered taboo. There is no right way to do it. The only time you could use this word is when someone is showing signs of extended grief disorders, and should consult a professional for assistance.
2. Let Them Know You Want to Listen
You may not know what to say to your loved one, but it is often not about that. When a loved one is grieving, it is much more valuable to let them know you are open to listening, and actively listening whilst they divulge their experience.
Ask open ended questions like, “Do you feel like talking?” and let them. If they don’t feel like talking, offer to sit with them quietly anyway. Be prepared to sit in silence and solidarity with your loved one, who needs that support more than they will be able to express.
There is also nothing wrong with admitting that you are at a loss for words, but remember to mention that you are with them on this journey regardless. Here is a helpful guide of sensitive things you can say in support of a grieving loved one.
3. Make Tangible Offers of Support
Your most powerful tool as a loved one is the closeness you have with your friend or family member, which allows you to enter their space and assist them in tangible ways that they may struggle with whilst grieving.
Offer practical support in the form of household tasks which your loved one may not have the energy to do after a loss. Try bringing dinners around to their house weekly. Offer to take their dog for a walk with them. Do some laundry and tidy the kitchen. Bring around some necessities like deodorant, some soap, more toothpaste, and other toiletries that can help a grieving person feel a little fresher each day.
4. Be In It for the Long Haul
Most importantly, perhaps, is to be there for your loved one for everything. Grief is an enduring emotion and the sadness may never truly dissipate. Do not let your loved one’s appearance fool you, as a smile is easy to affix to the outside. Continue to ask your loved one how they are doing periodically, and offer them extra support around times that may be difficult, such as holiday periods, birthdays and anniversaries.
Take a look at the Loving Ashes blog for more helpful and insightful articles that can help you or a loved one understand grief and give better support to your friends and family, or to your own wounded soul. Take care of yourselves.
